Client bashing

I just love the client bashing they do, them hairdressers.

They are just naturally good at it : make you feel that you desperately need their skills, their divine benevolence, their magic hands. That your hair is a mess, a disaster, a no-man’s land.

« You did that by yourself ? Your colour… It’s not unite… It’s… (stuttering) it’s like… spots ! »

No, actually I paid more than 100 euros for that (which are called «  mèches » in my delusional world) and thought – until now, at least – that it was quite a good job.

« But it was a very long time ago, isn’it it ? »

Well, again, no, sorry. It was like 2 months ago. Not the Stone Age, yet.

« You will want a mask, won’t you ? (Mouthing : As your hair looks like shit) »

Oh yes, please, help yourself. Mask, essential oil massage, hairdrying to the candle, laser haircutting… Whatever you like, please. And make me see the light : how I enter thinking I will pay some 30 some euros, and happily exit with a 100 some or more euros bill. Please, please : teach me how to be smart in the future.

               « You will want some of our products to take home, won’t you ? (Mouthing : As above) »

Now, really, to be honest : that would be my pleasure. But I still have quite a lot of outdated products I already bought (you may not believe it, but I’m quite a following person, really). Hence, I fear I will have to decline for now. Nevertheless, I will certainly come back in 10 years or so, when I manage to finish them all.

               « But we do products organophobicosmartass, that feel the hair’s emotional state, console it when it is sad, laugh with it when it is joyful, run with naked it in the maze fields in the sunny summer days. When you use our products, you really feel a moment of confort, happiness and coolenessness – …even for you ».

I don’t doubt this for a second, each hair of mine unquestionably needs psychotherapy. Nevertherless, again, I fear I’ll have to decline. Even if I didn’t already have hundreds of useless products, every bottle of yours costs about 2 times the amount I usually put in a good steak, or a good bottle of rhum. My moral beliefs just don’t allow me such sort of monetary extravagance.

               « Well well wel, see you soon ! »

              « (Mouthing : No surprise, that your hair looks like shit) »

Storia di grucce

Esco dalla cabina. La venditrice di vestiti, indicando la mia sciarpa che porto al braccio :
– Questa ?
– Beh, questa è mia.
– Benissimo. Vuole una gruccia ?
– Mah, sa, me la metto intorno al collo…
– Sì, d’accordo. Ma vuole una gruccia ?
– Ma no, grazie. Vede, adesso esco. (Indico il collo) Me la metto intorno al … sa. (Gesto esplicito)
–  Va bene. Comunque, se lei volesse… sa. (Indica di nuovo la sciarpa, con aria invitante) Una bella gruccia.
– Ma… Io la voglio mettere ‘sta sciarpa ! La MIA sciarpa, attorno al MIO collo ! FA freddo !! Ma perché dovrei metterla su una stupida gruccia, ‘sta sciarpa di merda, quando me la posso mettere addosso !
Ma la smetta di importunarmi con queste assurde storie di gruccie ! Io la mia sciarpa NON la metto sulla gruccia, va bene ?
– Mah. Come vuole lei. Io le volevo regalare la gruccia, visto che ha preso il vestito… (Indica il braccio al quale sono appesi la sciarpa E il vestito)

Epic fail.

Дети – Аверченко

Я очень люблю детишек и без ложной скромности могу сказать, что и они любят меня.

I love kids and without false modesty, I can say that they love me.

Найти настоящий путь к детскому сердцу — очень затруднительно. Для этого нужно обладать недюжинным чутьём, тактом и многим другим, чего не понимают легионы разных бонн, гувернанток и нянек.

To find a real way to children’s hearts is very difficult. To do this, you need to have a remarkable flair, tact, and many others (skills), which do not understand the different legions of maids, governesses and nannies.

Однажды я нашел настоящий путь к детскому сердцу, да так основательно, что потом и сам был не рад…

Once I found the true path to the child’s heart, so much thoroughly that then I myself was not happy …

Я гостил в имении своего друга, обладателя жены, свояченицы и троих детей, трёх благонравных мальчиков от 8 до 11 лет.

I stayed at the estate of his friend, the owner’s wife, sister-and three children, three well-behaved boys from 8 to 11 years.

В один превосходный летний день друг мой сказал мне за утренним чаем:

In a perfect summer day my friend told me over morning tea:

— Миленький! Сегодня я с женой и свояченицей уеду дня на три. Ничего, если мы оставим тебя одного?

– Darling ! Today my wife and sister-leave for three days. Is it aller right, if we leave you alone ?

Я добродушно ответил :

I kindly replied:

— Если ты опасаешься, что я в этот промежуток подожгу твою усадьбу, залью кровью окрестности и, освещаемый заревом пожаров, буду голый плясать, на неприветливом пепелище, то опасения твои преувеличены более чем наполовину.

– If you are afraid that during this period I set fire to your estate, neighborhood, and I will fill with blood, lit by the glow of fires, I’ll dance naked on the inhospitable ashes, then your fears are exaggerated by more than half.

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